Switzerland’s St. Maurice, Mex and Me, the Mountain Goat

Right now I’m sitting in the mountains above San Maurice 1.5 hrs outside Geneva on the opposite side of the lake, it’s beautiful but it was dreadful steep to get here. I had my full back pack carrying needed items and any food items I will need leaving non needed items behind in my friends car. I’m proud of myself for getting here but I’m having some strange moods here also. First let me say that I loved this mountain and I loved the opportunity to see it up close. I would not change anything because I enjoyed every minute and would do it again if I have the chance. I want to do so much but my body limits me .. how can I be myself fully if I cannot walk properly? The down and uphills are treacherous and sometimes I’m really scared. I walked across a waterfall thank God it was not flowing.

I took it slow but I was sweating profusely. Yes someone had to wait for me and I felt terrible but what can I do? Whether it’s that I am not use to the altitude, broken knees and broken foot, hot flashes, my asthma, anxiety, normal sweat or nervousness, I did my best. I do not think many people can understand my disabilities and military injuries. Although I felt I disappointed my friend because I cannot help in the way he needs. 850 sheep, donkeys and two dogs how can I help prepare for the sheep when the grade is so steep? Laying fencing is impossible for me it seems …and so I was told. Maybe one time going up this very very steep mountain is ok but not many times ….no my knees could not handle it. I am not a mountain goat after-all.

Stunning views and incredible hiking but, solar charges makes it impossible to keep my phone and internet charged. Phone charge might not seem important when on a mountain but for me any medical emergency would prove difficult. It was incredibly peaceful up here, uncomplicated and calm, I really love this place. No shower in 4 days I can handle, but I have the feeling I can’t understand anything … rare words in English so I sit silently. I feel frustrated at times but I try to hide it. I feel like a deer searching and jumping in the dark only to run into a car’s headlights then splat. I help with cutting and gathering wood and clean up the cabin but not much else because I do not understand much. I will go down the mountain and not yet sure I will come back up.. yes I can do it of course I can. It takes more time, some people think I’m suffering for no reason. Suffering??? Who is suffering but maybe just a choice of words lost in translation or maybe I should say exaggeration. For the record I was not crying.

21 years military, countless surgeries, body and mind constantly racked with pain. I live in Florida no mountains there just flat but no… this mountain will not make me cry nor will it break me.. I didn’t cry or whine. I just walked my second 900km camino with a bad left knee and overwhelmingly bad heel spur on the right foot. Sometimes people project their own rendition of what they perceive to be the normal. Why am I so incensed by this characterization of me suffering? I’m not really sure, or maybe I am disappointed in my own body’s inability to function normally.  I would admit it if I cried because there is no shame in extreme pain, only God knows that I hate when people call me a liar, or insinuate an exaggerated un-truth.  I do not enjoy when people make fun of me especially if it’s not true…ok I am maybe being overly sensitive but I am boiling with anger because it is not funny.  Fear, yes of course I had also fear as I was crossing a steep rock face with loose rocks and running water. Who am I to judge others and who are others to judge me? Sometimes I feel guilt but other times I feel angry and sad. I don’t suffer….but maybe I do in their eye’s view. Unfortunately not everyone appreciates why I struggle.

This seems to be the story of my life but now I can see it so clear. Always feeling misunderstood, I am affected by what others think of me. I will stop.., I am unwilling to give anymore of my patience and understanding. I am still careful not to be rude but I’m empty now … I dump all my willingness to please others. All I see is disappointments no matter how hard I try others will always choose to see what they want and not what is staring them in the face . Useless ramblings from me, maybe, but definitely always lessons learned. Wisdom is ever present in everything, in every way.

This last Camino and subsequent trip took my patience and my goodwill and although I enjoyed most of the journey I find the small amounts I didn’t like overshadow the majority I did. I will no longer walk the Camino at least for now. I will continue to travel and see new places but will do it on my own terms. I don’t need a Compostela or paper to tell me I accomplished something great. I must fine tune all my gear. Learning to pack still lighter. Finding the answers that I seek is not so hard, I pray, I meditate and I listen to the silence. On top of this mountain, it’s silent. I was not sure what I would find and I suppose I went thru the stages of emotions. I was here 4 days by myself. I made fire, cleaned, chopped wood, carried large logs, sat, knitted, drew art with charcoal from the fire and grass and plants for color. Now I feel exhausted. Like the cold breeze which currently dances across my face, I am frigid and unapologetic for my path. I can be stubborn at times but I suppose I must be to live beyond my injuries. I will go when and where and to the desires of my heart and mind. I will make a list and try to be less afraid. I only need me and my God…any other person will just be icing on top of the cake. I did go hiking up higher…me and my Anna, however fog and the unknown steepness and failing rocks stopped me. Anna needed the exercise ..a high energy sheep dog and I needed to somewhat prove I could…

Now a couple days later I will go but the walk down the mountain was not easy.. I had to cross ice flow on a very steep crevasse and steep down hill trail. I made it but I was deathly afraid across the ice flow. I felt cyborg turtle’s (my alter ego) fear and walking across normally is not an option . Instead I dug my fingers into the mud and ice, walking down and across backwards on my hands and knees to avoid falling and rolling off the cliff side. Am I the only one who thinks this is not normal? I guess for daredevils and uber-adventurers it would be normal but in their normality they don’t have time to realize it’s not easy for everyone….us the abnormal people. I wasn’t thinking about anything except I hoped nothing is sliding or moving above me. No no don’t touch me I can do it (Not an exaggeration, thru my eyes) this high incline the fall would likely kill me. I did it unaided , backpack still attached except for them standing below to ensure I don’t slide down. Yes I’m grateful for this ….maybe but I felt judged…but maybe it’s all in my mind… I think it was at this point I knew yes I can do anything but I don’t really need to prove it to anyone or even to try the attempt to accomplish. Sharp pain in my palm —a embedded sharp rock, reminded me I’m human, normal human from a small Carribean island and living in Florida far removed from the mountains of Switzerland.

The rest of path was small with beautiful Swiss mountain views and steep but not bad until the turn off where they continued up and I continued down on a hikers superhighway. Anna the dog wanted to continue with me as she had been my companion but sadly she could not come with me. Later with no reservations I would need to find a place to stay on my own once again. I accept the cost although expensive But I am very grateful.

I sat in the hotel restaurant eating breakfast in day two post mountain in the village of Saint Maurice. The waitress/ bartender asked if I always travel alone. What a great question I thought but I didn’t know how to answer that. I was visiting here to meet with friends or so I thought however 98 percent of my time was spent alone. Form the first day… I saw no empathy but maybe I’m just misunderstanding the culture, miscommunication for sure. No I don’t know anyone here and yes I guess the answer is ….yes I travel alone. I like this Village, the local people are very polite and they all say bonjour and it’s genuine. This is a deeply religious area with people who seem to have good values. In fact a popular camino route leading to Rome runs thru the center of town and I even saw a Swiss rally race up close.

As I look about I am instantly reminded of something one person said “ no wonder no one wants to walk (travel) with you, it’s because they don’t want to see you suffer”. There just that word again, I am remembered that camino and pilgrimage are not about the suffering but about ways to deal with suffering, this is somewhat like a different type of camino…more mental than physical. At the time I didn’t think about it much, although the insensitivity of some more recent moments burned my blood. I choose to be alone because I don’t care to be around selfish people for whom I always compromise myself , thus keeping them happy and forgetting my own needs. Maybe I’m seeing it only thru my eyes and just maybe finally I should learn to keep myself happy. Yes I’m always disappointed in people but maybe that’s not the right word…. maybe it’s more of I’m watching them suffer with their inhumanity .. no that’s not true, because selfish people never think of their own inhumanity. I don’t want to watch anymore. Ok so yes I sit here alone and no, no one cares weather I’m alive or not but hey it’s ok after all … I handle it because I’m human, I’m not suffering I’m blank with emotion. I’ve stop trying to figure it or them out….it is as it is and will be.

Today the feeling is now I am enjoying the small moments and i feel as if I am ready to go home
… my own bed, a kitchen to cook -no more restaurant food and a nice sofa to sit and look out the window onto a world which continues to make humanity disappear in a poof of smoke. Negative, no not really, it’s just realistic, a reminder to do for myself with no expectation from anyone, to push myself more, to reach for the stars. I must have faith and trust all will be as it should be.

What will I do today?? Sit in the sun and not think … sure why not.